Princess Sassy Pants & Co.™

I shared something a couple of days ago about how others often only see us through the lens of their past experiences of us.  The point of this post was not about how others see us, however; it was about how we do the same thing to others. It was about opening our own minds to seeing others in a new light. 

Pointing the finger at others, a person, or a group as the cause of our suffering is a real crowd-pleaser, but the problem is that it never works; it never brings us any real sense of peace or happiness.  I am never suggesting that this is the way.

I have learned to take the suggestions that something or someone needs to be different for me to be happy and use them to help point me in the direction where I can find a real sense of happiness and peace.  I try not to censor myself when I’m doing this.  I let all the expectations, anger, frustration, and disappointment spill out but use it as a roadmap to real solutions, and real solutions are never found in pointing fingers.

One way I do this is by looking straight at the suggestions that so-and-so needs to be different, do something, stop doing something, should have done something, or not done something.  (You fill in the blank.) It can be a person or a group.  It doesn’t matter.  It can be the past or some future expectation, but it will always be that someone or something “out there” needs to be different for me to be happy, at peace, successful, etc.

I then look at this and begin to ask some questions.  I begin to explore it. “Okay,” I might ask, “Where do I need to ____?  Where should I ____?  Where shouldn’t I ____?

For example, I might cry, “So-and-so doesn’t listen and doesn’t hear me!” I then step back and flip it,  “Where do I need to listen?  What am I not hearing?  Maybe I need to listen to myself.  Maybe I need to hear myself.”  This might be directly related to the person or persons I was pointing my finger at, and it might not seem to relate to them at all. I might think Sue doesn’t listen to me, but I can see that I don’t listen to Charlie.

This isn’t about blame or finding out who the guilty party is.  No, no, no! We’re just questioning things at this point. We’re just exploring and allowing our minds to open. 

The biggest question and most important is: When has firmly believing that if someone else were different, I would be happy, peaceful, more successful, etc., ever really worked? It’s the proverbial carrot that we never reach.

At best, we insist on some compromise when possible.  We insist someone do something or stop doing something so we feel safe, happy, etc., but this is a band-aid because we haven’t rooted out and healed the real cause of our upset and fear.  And it will be triggered again and again until it’s truly healed.

There is a way to feel safe, peaceful, happy, etc., no matter what anyone says, does, or doesn’t do. Wouldn’t you rather have that?  If the answer is “Yeah, but….” Then you might not be ready, but when you are (usually because you’re in a lot of pain), you’ll be willing to surrender all your “yeah, buts” and try another way.  The “yeah, but” will try to peek its head out over and over again, but you don’t have to listen to it. It does not know the way to your happiness. 

This is why I often direct my posts to those in pain.  They are often more open to something new.  We have no reason to dig deeper when we think everything is hunky-dory.  This willingness often takes some tragedy or long-standing problem for us to finally be motivated and willing to go deeper.  I know it did for me.

When I feel upset, I look at whatever is coming up, “She, he, or they did this to me!”  I then might ask, “When have I done that to someone, thought it, or done it to myself?”

I might think someone said something unkind, was inconsiderate, didn’t include me, or made me feel bad.  Where have I been unkind?  Where have I been selfish?  When did I not include someone or make someone feel bad?  Including myself? (Don’t forget to include how you treat yourself in the equation.)

I might see that I’ve done the very thing I’m accusing another of doing. Why should I expect others not to do the very things I do or have done?

Again, we’re just exploring; we’re just asking questions. You might start to feel a sense of compassion as long as you don’t see it as blaming someone or yourself. You see that you are both in the same boat; just trying your best, but your best can be pretty sucky sometimes. 

Finger pointing usually takes some form of, I feel ____, because _____ didn’t, don’t, did, should have done, shouldn’t have done, said, or didn’t say, ______.  It is always some form of something “out there” that is the cause of my suffering and misery.  In this, we are powerless and at the mercy of all sorts of things, people, and groups. How could we feel anything but despair in this?  

Sometimes we feel like it’s the whole world that’s the problem.  Let’s take on the whole right now.  You might say, “I feel so sad and disillusioned because the world doesn’t understand me.  They should care about my feelings, give me what I need, and make me feel safe and loved.”

Now I’m going to flip this.  “What do I need to do?  Perhaps I need to care about how I feel, and I need to give myself what I want and make myself feel safe and loved.”

“But I don’t know how to do that!” comes flying out in frustration.  Well, how could I expect everyone else to do what I don’t even know how to do myself?  Can you feel the softening now?  Can you feel a sense of compassion for yourself and others? You also might feel a sense of hopelessness because if they can’t give it to me and I don’t know how to give it to myself, what am I to do? This is what we are really avoiding. You won’t be left here. 

The key here is that I am no longer finger-pointing “out there” somewhere, and now my mind is more open to receiving real answers from within. It’s okay that you don’t know how to do these things, and it’s okay that they don’t know. It’s not their job or yours.  It was never your job or theirs.  This was the whole problem.  There is a Presence within us whose job it is, and that does know. It’s this we need to learn to turn to, listen to, and hear, and as long as we’re insisting that it’s “the world’s” job, or someone else’s job, or even our own, our mind is closed, and we can’t hear from the One who does know.

You see, it’s always about placing blame, and we don’t want that finger to point at us, so we point it “out there,” thinking this is the solution to our unhappiness. We think these are the only two options to choose from. What we need to learn is that there is an alternative to blame; that it’s not them or us. We are all really on the same team, regardless of how much it might look otherwise. This is seen with a deeper awareness that is blocked by the blame-game. 

This can feel strange at first and like you are hanging out there with no solution.  The idea that it’s someone else’s job or our own is so ingrained that when we begin to question this, it can feel like we no longer have a foundation to place our hope on.  Again, I assure you, you won’t be left here.  That was always a false foundation that will not work, and in order to have our feet firmly planted on a real foundation, we have to be courageous and let the false one crumble underfoot.

Be gentle with yourself.  Dip your toe in the water a little at a time.  You will most likely feel some discomfort and resistance at first, and that’s okay.  When I feel resistance, I have to remind myself that how I have been doing things hasn’t brought me the real happiness and peace I desire, so what do I have to lose by trying something different?

Always remember that just because you may not know the answer doesn’t mean there isn’t one.  If you already knew it, you wouldn’t have the problem. We are all learning, and the first thing we need to learn is that it’s okay not to know what we yet need to learn.