I don’t have any clever or inspiring words today, and this candle is all I could manage to paint last night.
There I was, 16 years old; my mother had passed three years prior. I had no parental guidance, and any “parenting” I did receive was in the form of threats, physical violence, and criticism. My father was an alcoholic with so many of his own demons. I was shy and often had thoughts of wanting it all to end, even if that meant dying. I was a child. I didn’t know how to help myself, and there wasn’t anybody who reached out to help. My closest friends had given up on me. They were children too. They didn’t know how to help me.
There I was, and on top of it all, I got pregnant by my first boyfriend, and I only had sex because, without any real guidance from a very young age, I thought this was what I had to do to fit in.
There was nobody to turn to for help. I certainly couldn’t go to my father—I could if I wanted to be beaten and left homeless. I had nowhere to turn. When I told my father that I often thought about killing myself, he said, “Well, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.”
I don’t even remember how I managed to pay for the abortion. It was most likely with the help of the boy who got me pregnant. I had to go to an awful clinic because that’s all I could afford. It was scary and painful, and I got a severe infection afterward.
I can’t imagine if I had been forced to have that baby. It was hard enough to put myself through college without a baby, so I’m sure I wouldn’t have done that. In college, I began to see things in a way that led me down a trajectory of healing. I’m sure that without that, I wouldn’t be alive today. For however many years I would have lived, I would have most likely ended up an alcoholic in an abusive relationship because that’s all I knew.
My experience was challenging, but I can’t imagine if this pregnancy resulted from rape or incest, and I was forced to carry it anyway. I can’t imagine if I were a woman of color with possibly more challenges to overcome and had been forced to have that baby.
My only hope is that this will light a fire under women AND men; that we will finally rise up against the subjugation of women and girls.
Princess Sassy Pants & Co.™ 
Thank you for sharing your pain…. Sending love and thanks…. There are no words but hugs across the miles to you……………
LikeLike
Our Princess Sass has been my little bit of light needed since before my momma closed her beautiful eyes to this world. Being a “mommy’s girl” going on seventy years. When we hit that rough patch the pain and confusion were way more than I could understand. It took so long to come back to being hers again. I thought I would be lost always. I can recall all her gestures of love along the way where she jumped back in to heal us from that long estrangement . Seeing and hearing with my heart and that little light comforts me just like when I didn’t know what to do or say back then when I was twelve. Thank goodness
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing this. I had a very similar experience — coming out of a dysfunctional home, nobody there to help & lend solid support and advice and care, pregnant too young, I am glad that I was able to identify my pregnancy and terminate the zygote early (NOTE: Zygote — NOT A BABY!! Baby’s are able to survive outside the womb on their own.) I had so much to learn about the world, myself, how to be strong, how to be capable and functional and independent. I would have been a terrible mother – I would have repeated the abusive tendencies I learned at home if forced into motherhood at that age. I would have likely settled down with someone who was in same messed up frame of mind, and we would have had a terrible life. The child would have had a terrible life. My judgement was just that bad back then. So, yes, I am glad that I had that option and I fear for how many more sad and abused and underserved children will be brought upon this nation…and of course no public safety net to support them. Their suffering is on the hands of the so-called ‘righteous’ whose only vision is how to force their own limited religious dogma onto the lives of everyone else.
LikeLike
Candle’s flames silent, speaking volumes I’d you’re with it
LikeLike
Love you Warrior Princess…. thank you for being and sharing the Light!
LikeLike
Praise God in Heaven that one glorious day,all of this will be over with.All the pain,all the loosing loved ones, and all will be happy no sadness in Heaven.I can’ wait!I pray that if anyone is not ready to meet the Lord that they would be saved.Just think All Of our troubles and trials passed. Amen 🙏🏻 We all down here have had hard times and terrible things that has happened to us but one day God will say it is time.No more suffering in Heaven for Eternity. Amen 🙏🏻
LikeLike
Thank you for being so brave and vulnerable in sharing your story. Please know that your empathy, compassion and love radiates through your paintings and somewhere in this country you’ve brought a soothing healing to someone’s soul. 🕯️
LikeLike
Horrible what you went through. In my day ,girls went to homes , had the baby and gave it up for adoption.Why don’t people see the baby as a human being? . Again, so sorry for your suffering.
LikeLike
Even when it is the only thing we see. Thank you!
LikeLike
So beautifully written, the waywomenandyoung girlsare still being treated, is so very wrong to my way of thinking and believing! anytime there is inhumane treatment from another human, I am sure God is weeping! If I abhor this treatment and have cried over stories from friends and on the news, I am sure God has wept for generations!Wrong will always be wrong! We can only pray for justice and understanding and hope the world has a about face very soon! Your story is so sad,but thanking God you have recovered in spite of your circumstances! Blessings and love from me to you! Hug those little fluffy britches Prince and Princess Pups! Love you all verymch! Carol
LikeLike
Interestingly, you are not posting this on FB, do you think you will be attacked?
LikeLike
oh my goodness, they’re really going at it on fb which is why I stay here. your alerts must be blowing up. Was wondering what you were going to post today and I am so glad you went with your heart.
LikeLike
Thank you so very much for sharing and inspiring others..
LikeLike
The Lord made each and every one of us.In the Bible It says he knew us before we were born.There is a purpose for every single person that the Lord has made.We are not the judge, the Lord is.I don’t know what it is to be pregnant because l could not have children.I don’t understand why either when l hear of so many children that parents don’t even take care of.But l have to trust that the Lord knows why and l have accepted it.I believe that every single baby that has been aborted is with the Lord.
LikeLike
You’re a brave and a strong woman. I admire you’re courage to disclose your dark past and even that is still able to advocate for a brighter light to shine for women and young girls. A salute and a thumbs for you . Great job!
LikeLike
It is difficult for me to believe that I had more and better choices 50 years ago in my 20’s, than my 20 year old granddaughter has today. We have regressed at the hands to men who said that they would leave Roe v Wade alone, and yet here we are having convos about it. If the SCOTUS lie to Congress, what is going to keep others from following suit? It is a sad day for this country, and it’s not over yet.
LikeLike