I feel a nudge to share the story of my first spiritual experiences that set me on a course that, not only did I not know even existed, but that has been one that has been filled with inexplicable wonders.
(The image is a detail of painting I did for a gallery show years ago.)

From Pieces to Peace

The mountain air filled my lungs with each breath as I walked the upward, sloping path dotted with wildflowers. Directed in the quiet of meditation, I watched the scene unfold as I approached the plateau where I was to meet myself.

Tears had burned my face for longer than I can remember; there was a ceaseless sense of emptiness, deep loneliness, and a profound sense of despair. I had experienced many challenges but nothing as all-encompassing as this darkness that pervaded my being; I had never felt so utterly disillusioned and lost. It seemed that everywhere I turned, and everywhere that I once found even the slightest sense of solace in the past, I found a door slamming against my battered being instead.

“Why don’t you try looking within?” A friend suggested kindly, probably exhausted by my incessant moans.

Going Within

At first, I didn’t think this would offer any real solution, but I knew one thing was sure: I had tried everything I knew over the span of my life thus far, and the many efforts had led me to where I was…to this emptiness. At least going inward was something that I had not yet attempted. “What do I really have to lose?” I reasoned inwardly.

So based purely on my complete inability to conjure another alternative, I began my first attempt at an inward gaze. I did not have one idea of what I was looking for or what I might find. Neither did I know how to do it. Nevertheless, I began.

I closed my eyes and began to breathe deeply. I thought I would imagine meeting myself at a much older age. It seemed that this “older me” having lived my life, might have some answers. I wanted to know what I should do. I wanted to know what direction I should walk in…where to look …where to go. I wanted something. I wanted to feel better and had many ideas of what that meant. I just plain wanted. In desperation, I was willing to try anything, and based on my dismal failure to find anything that worked thus far, was fairly certain that I did not know the way. I was completely unaware that this was the perfect invitation for God to enter.

I didn’t really have fond feelings for the God that others seem to speak of and I thought of religion as primarily fear-based systems used to control the masses. I gravitated toward a more scientific approach and thought of most spiritual pursuits and religious teachings as closer to mythology than anything of real meaning. Christianity and biblical ideas, in particular, seemed the strangest to me; it made little sense that there was some God out there somewhere that would somehow bestow good on those who prayed in just the right way, or who would punish those that either did not understand or who were never exposed to the ideas in a particular book. I saw all of it as a turn-and-click-your-heels-three-times type of magic that if you didn’t succeed in doing just right…sorry! No soup for you! If there was some magic formula, I was sure I didn’t know it.

Meeting the Wise One

Letting my eyes close, I imagined myself walking down a garden path that met a gently sloping mountainside. As I ascended I noticed the green grass and the beauty of the flowers and walked effortlessly to the plateau where I would meet this older version of myself. She sat contentedly weaving a basket, her long gray braids falling down well past her shoulders. I recognized her as myself but with a peace and assurance about her that I definitely did not identify with.

I moved to her, sitting down on the soft grass next to her small wooden chair and placed my head in her lap. She didn’t speak but stroked my hair lovingly. I was filled with a sense of comfort and care. We sat quietly for a few moments before she unhurriedly took my hand, arose, and led me to the edge of the mountain’s plateau.

As we stood at the precipice, I began to recognize in astonishment that I was no longer directing this experience. Her presence was filled with a sense of patience and peace that was palpable. This was very unfamiliar to me in the frenzied and anxiety-ridden life I had led thus far. With an indescribable calm, she asked me to look out over the mountainside and tell her what I saw.

“I see birds and grass, flowers and trees,” I replied obediently.

There was a short, yet utterly patient pause before she continued. “Now tell me what you see.”

I could feel the impatience so familiar to me rise up within as I answered her curtly, “The same thing—I see birds and grass, flowers and trees.” I needed answers and now! I was drowning and was incensed that instead of solid answers, I had to repeat what I saw over the wretched mountainside.

She spoke slowly, firmly yet gently, unaffected by my tone, “No child,” she said. “There have been beginnings and endings, births and deaths, growth and decay—changes, many changes.” She paused for a moment and then continued, “But beyond them all there is always Beauty, infinite Beauty. What you see is Yourself.”

I could feel the magnitude of her words however much I did not understand their meaning. It was as if they were communicating their message to me from somewhere deep within me somehow–not something being spoken from without. It was as though they were nudging something inside me that was in a deep slumber.

The Secret I Kept From Myself

I did not know that in the simplest of terms she was teaching me a secret I had kept from myself, and the answer to every question I had ever had or ever could have. I did know, that without a doubt, I had not conjured the experience from my imagination and that something very profound had happened. I felt peaceful and knew that I was not alone.

I had many experiences with what I came to call The Wise One. She became a regular part of my life and I greatly valued the time spent with her. With her I knew I would find comfort even while the winds of the world whipped around me. Every time I met her she would teach me the same ideas in different ways.

On one occasion, I found myself in a hallway with many doors. I noticed they were all closed except one that stood slightly ajar. As I walked through it I found her waiting for me on a platform overlooking space and I took my place beside her. She asked me again to tell her what I saw. I played along thinking I knew where this was leading. “I see stars, planets, and darkness,” I replied.

Again, she paused patiently and calmly and then asked me to inhale deeply. I did as she instructed, and as I took a deep breath inward the whole of the universe that moments before had appeared outside of me, was now within me. I looked at her with wide-eyed amazement.

“Now,” she said with great intent, “know that nothing has changed.”

A New Path

My experiences with The Wise One were my first glimpses into the mystical world that unbeknownst to me, would become more natural than breathing. I had not yet encountered the life-altering experiences that were to come. I also didn’t know at the time that what she taught me was the basis for everything, and what would later become the focus of my entire life. I did not know that my experiences with her marked only the beginning of a life’s journey that would take me to countless, inexplicable places in a realm unknown to ordinary human awareness, and that would present realizations that would challenge everything I believed…that the world believed. I did not yet know of the profound sense of peace, of joy, and fulfillment that awaited me. Nor was I aware of the deep challenges I would pass through to reach them.

She taught that what we see as outside of ourselves is within or perhaps more accurately, there is no “outside” or “inside” but only Oneness. She showed me over and over again that I must look beyond what appears as changing form for it is not here that we find our Self—that beyond all changes, there is an immutable Presence, a Beauty and Truth, and if we look for it we will find it.

We must look for it, for finding it is the only purpose and where all meaning lies. It is here and here alone that we find our Self. There is nowhere else to look with any hope of finding it, and all our searching is for naught if we search anywhere else but where it is to be found.

My life, which had been filled with such pain, sorrow, loss, and loneliness was because I, like so many, had been looking for it, looking for fulfillment, meaning, peace, joy, and love, where it does not exist and therefore can never be found. The deep and repeated sense of disappointment and pain I had experienced was not a personal failure or due to some flaw in my makeup, but rather was simply the result of looking in the wrong place.

The mistake was not in the desire to know happiness, love, joy, or a sense of purpose and meaning, the mistake was in where I believed it could be found. The mistake was in the belief that it was not already mine…forever one and thus inseparable from my very being…inseparable from every being…inseparable from everything. xo