The rhythmic sound of the ventilator combined with the steady beep of the monitors was hypnotic. Sounds that had become much too familiar as I slept in the room next to his.
‘He can’t understand you,” the doctors had said apologetically when they saw me speaking to him attempting to pour the endless stream of love I felt upon him. I read him stories of healing, letters I had written to him in the sleepless nights, and sang softly in his ear. “He is unresponsive,” they would say as they rubbed their knuckle into his sternum.
“They know so much,” I thought, “And yet so very little.” After all that had happened leading up to this I still didn’t quite understand how others could not hear what I heard and feel what I could feel. This man, this now frail and tiny man was communicating with me more clearly than I had ever known. I could feel his presence within me and a peace in him that the appearance would belie.
Looking down at this tiny, impossibly frail body swaddled in hospital blankets, I mused that nobody would ever believe the harshness his voice once had, or the terror he would strike in the hearts of his three youngest children each night when we saw the headlights of his car from the picture window. We would sound the alert that he was home. Each of us would scamper, checking that things were in order hoping we hadn’t forgotten anything that might set him off. We knew the later it was the more alcohol he had poured down his throat. We would try greeting him in a sweet tone, hoping we could assuage the unpredictable outbursts of anger that might erupt at any moment and for any reason.
Dad was a harsh man and a hard worker. The depression era had instilled in him that stern, matter-of-fact view of life that comes from deep struggle. His hands were hands that were accustomed to hard labor and his words seldom suggested that love was behind them. He attempted to assuage his deep pain with a steady stream of alcohol each night and was expert at criticism and blaming his six children for his troubles. I spent many years in anger and felt a seething hatred for him for both all that he wasn’t and for all that he was.
He could have split us up after mom died–six children, five of them still at home, the youngest only seven. He had never done a load of laundry or cooked a meal. I don’t even remember his presence much prior to her passing; he was just the man who yelled at night and threw things…including our mother. I was often told that he was having a bad diabetic reaction. “What a terrible disease that must be,” I would think with my young, trusting mind. He didn’t get much better through my teen years and would often throw my things out on the lawn in reaction to just about anything. He kicked me out at sixteen. I lived in a basement rented room while working at McDonald’s but I was eventually allowed back.
I left dad’s house as soon as I could but the deep wounds went with me. I managed to put myself through college while drinking, doing drugs, and living wherever I could find a floor, but never staying long enough to get too close to anyone. I clung to the tiniest hope for a different experience. I looked in education, in men, in status and money, but the emptiness, the gaping hole and hunger within was not to be satiated by my many attempts.
I knew nothing of a spiritual approach to life and categorically rejected the Judeo-Christian perspective of my upbringing; I saw religion merely as a means to control the masses and the beliefs held by adherents as pure myth at best. God and that Jesus guy were judgmental figures somewhere “out there” that were pointing a finger at me and not a source of comfort in the least.
At one point I finally began to search in the one place, and I do mean probably the only place that I hadn’t tried…within. This new inward journey offered the first glimmer of hope in my young and torturous life and immediately showed promise where all other efforts had failed. I clung to it as an infant to her mother’s breast contentedly drinking of the sublime nectar. I did not know that I had begun the only journey that has meaning in the world. I did not know that my life would soon never be the same. I had no idea that everything that I had ever experienced was leading me to this. And I did not know that very soon the world was going to unzip and lay open for me to see beyond her façade; that I would see with new eyes and hear with new ears and that those things that I once struggled to understand would soon feel more natural than breathing.
A day came that seemed like any other day but by day’s end everything changed. Everything changed as a light beyond words found it’s way through a tiny crack in my mind. This light had always been patiently waiting for me to let it in. In a moment I came to see inexplicable things and I understood that all those that I thought had failed me by not being what I thought I needed them to be, were not responsible for my emptiness. I saw that these many people, these many things, could not ever give me what I longed for and neither did they need to—they could not because what I was looking for had been within me all along. I had simply not known where to look. I had been fishing in fields believing that I could be fed. My hunger pains were silenced as I was led to the water and it was always in the only place it ever is…within.
After this day I lived in a place, a state that simply cannot be described. It is an awareness of things that the world is blind to but that is all around. It is a state of nearly constant wonder, amazement and deep peace. I saw everything differently and began to see dad through kinder, gentler eyes as well. I actually began to enjoy him. But even in this new light dad’s house was still not a place I ever wanted to live again. God had other plans.
I am able to hear a very clear Voice of sorts that often leads me very specifically. I refer to it as a voice for lack of a better word but it’s more like deep inner impressions that are very clear, unmistakable, and that come with a sense of conviction and understanding. Although I was often able to hear this Voice guiding me, sometimes we are not as open to this kind of direct guidance and circumstances must squeeze us in the direction we are to follow. I began to be squeezed. I found myself with no where to live and not one door open but dad’s house. I would not have ever “voluntarily” lived with him again, but without another option, there I was.
One day, as I sat on his sofa, I whispered to myself in confusion, “Why am I here?” The Voice that I had come to recognize and trust responded instantly, “You are here for a reason.” With that I felt a peace and calm come over me; a confidence found only in the Divine and thought, “Well, that’s all I need to know.”
Dad and I baked cookies together and decorated cakes. I redecorated his house over the next months from top to bottom while he looked over my shoulder teasing me. One day, as he stood in the doorway to the living room playfully joked with me, I looked up at him and I knew he would be leaving soon. Not long after he was in the hospital taking his last breath while I spoke softly in his ear.
In those last months I came to utterly and completely ADORE him! I had seen the truth of him during this time and our relationship was wholly transformed. His inestimable value was so evident to me it literally took my breath away. Everybody saw that something had occurred between us and even while lying in the hospital seemingly no longer able to communicate, he spoke to me of many things, including when he would pass. He became this peaceful presence that even others remarked about in amazement.
Dad thought success was found in making money and having things…things that he never had. He didn’t understand why I didn’t find these things important or why I was interested in spirituality. The morning after his transition I awoke to him singing within me; he was a man of few words and when he spoke it was usually harsh and critical so it took me a moment to make the connection between what I was hearing within that morning and dad. It was him but not the man I had known; the presence was sweet and kind and came with gentle laughter.
“My beloved daughter, friend and spiritual sister,” he said, “you helped me more than you can comprehend right now when I did not know. You are doing the only thing that has any importance, and now I am here to help you.”
A deep sense of grief descended upon me after he passed even though he often made his presence known to me. Still quite young, I felt utterly orphaned in the world. I had seen such beauty in my father, the man that I had detested, and now he was gone. There was a black hole of grief that I thought I might never see through.
The darkness continued for a long time but then one day the heavy grief that I thought might never be healed was lifted from me like a feather. I realized that day as I sat looking at the portrait I painted of him that there is not one thing in this world that is permanent…not one. All form ends. The purpose was never to have form last forever but to raise our thoughts to what does last forever. It is to bring us to the place where we walk in the conscious awareness of what lies beyond all form and is forever safe and does live forever. I could see that right now we–dad and I and all–are forever enveloped in Love. We simply cannot be apart. It is just impossible.
I would not change one thing. I would not change one of the thousands of tears I’ve shed. I would not, for they were the elevator to Everything.
(Note: The image is a picture of the portrait I painted of my dad after he passed. One of the many things that happened after I began having profound spiritual experiences is that I found I could paint just about anything.)
This resonated with me on so many levels! Love all your posts and insights and agree 100%! Keep up the awesome work! You are helping so many people by sharing your story!
LikeLike
Not sure where I found your first Sassy Pants image, but they resonated with me! I share them pretty much daily with others. I knew there was loss, but never knew who or when you experienced this in your life. I just happened across this tonight and discovered my answer… everything comes to us in it’s own perfect timing. The connection was clear. I found myself an orphan (of sorts) when I lost both of my parents relatively close together. There are several similarities in our lives and I thank you for sharing your story and your art with the world. I believe finding our truth is imperative in our human journey on this earth. I am so happy you found yours and the peace from this filled you. The image of your father is further display of your talent. Thank you for sharing your story, your truths ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just loved your story — inspiring❣️ Grew up with alcoholic Father — not cruel — just crawled in a bottle after work everyday and was not there. Silent abuse. Product of times🥺.
LikeLike
I was married to an alcoholic for 25yrs.,When out of the blue he wanted his freedom. I was so very sad at first until I realized that was the best thing that could have happened to me. I’m now married to a wonderful husband that treats me as an equal. He loves my children & they respect him. Sincerely Dolores Landry💕💕💕
LikeLike
What a remarkable portrait and quite a bit of help to us who struggle.
LikeLike
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️
LikeLike
Love💕
LikeLike
Yep..ditto..went thru this as well.. story not much different..i told them dad was goingvto come out if hus coma..told the VA chaplain too..no one believed..they set a day to take him off everything .. chaplain said he was coming ..we stood there Dr telling us about his age an great life. .ME tears in my eyes shaking my head telling them he’s coming..when the chaplain walked I began pointing tell him Dr. .he’s awake. .I was trying to get dad home..it’s ALL he asked..leave hospital an go home to see his dog. .I managed to get him to hospice an THEY said I could bring the dog..my kids ran to Kentucky fried chicken for him..he was hungry..I went to work ..6pm..my kid’s left @ 10 pm..next 12 hrs..it’s as if he NEVER opened his eye’s. .my son an I walked into his room to see a contorted man barely alive.. next 12 hrs he was gone. His liver couldn’t take medications. ..like your dad an many others. . Mine was strong willed a product of his generation and a Korean War Vet..I’ll tell ya..his journey forward an leaving US was hard an tearful..but taps an being handed a flag in his honor ..was tougher. Very greatful for years of memories that flash through my head an heart since.. like him teaching me to drive his standard gear shift on column.. he said..give it gas..I did an an ran over our mailbox 😃😂😁😂😃😄 damn good times..LOVE ya Sassy an Prince🙋😉❤👍😍😚
LikeLike
WOW…Thank you for sharing this with us.I myself have found that inner peace that can’t be explained. I lost my Mom to cancer 2011 and she was a wonderful Mother and my Best Friend. I feel her presence with me at all times💕
LikeLike
Thank you darling Princess for sharing this wonderful life experience and growth with us.
LikeLike
Every time I read your posts I learn something new and I am inspired by you and your knowledge. Thank you for sharing your story and growth with us. Hugs. I love you Princess.
LikeLike
I have followed you for years and adored your amazing post. Never once knowing what inspired you or your journey. The words today penetrated into my soul. Changing and touching lives, God is definitely using you to the fullest.
God Bless you in ALL you do!
LikeLike
Sharing my experience:
https://parajulisagar.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/inner-engineering-my-experience/
LikeLike
This was truly beautiful I read every word and as I find myself on this spiritual journey your words reaffirmed my thinking and my own special process to enlightenment. Much love and may your steps on this journey but nothing short of beautiful
LikeLike
Wow, what a story. I enjoyed reading every word, though I could feel your pain. My own spiritual journey started not too long ago and your description really resonate with what I am experiencing myself.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your profound and inspiring journey. God bless you as you move forward!
LikeLike
Oh my dear….<3 Thank you for sharing your profound spiritual experience and life before that period. How very strong and special you are to be able to open up and accept this love and magic in your life. Your father (ever how harsh in the beginning) was a guide for you earlier and even now in death. 🙂 I am so thankful for people like you that aren't afraid to tell your story!!! Thank you once again for sharing and may you have nothing but continued spiritual blessings and growth. ❤ ❤
LikeLike
The deaths of my dad in 2009, followed by my mum two years later also brought great healing into my life. I am the eldest of four children. As much as I loved my parents, I realise the wounds they have left me. I know now how we all carry father and mother wounds which take time to heal. Working with children from very broken families, I see their great hurt. Nobody comes into this world expecting to have such pain in their lives. But it’s something that we learn to deal with. I have been journeying with a spiritual director since the death of my mum and I have seen the numerous ways God has been healing me of my past pain. So much of this pain is so deep I can’t even see it; only God could reveal its truth to me. I know God desires my freedom as much as I desire it. I see myself being freed of my unhealthy, hurtful beliefs, habits, limitations and addictions and becoming a more loving person. I still struggle. The more cracks God reveals to me, the more I struggle with the truth. But I have hope and trust that this too is part of my journey to freedom and becoming the person I have been created to be.
LikeLike
Great reading
LikeLike
I always tasted some recovery here.
I share you with ladies who learn to live.
Thanks for this as my violent abusive dad died when I was 17.
Becoming him 17 years later, and being the thing I hated most in the world drove me to change.
26 years later now, you often tickle my fancy here.
Thanks, qgain.
Sharon D
LikeLike
My Dad passed away when I was 7 years old.I do remember him loving me and doing things together.Then Came those years I yearned for him but he wasn’t there.They were years of loneliness and despair that I endured.
My high school years I worked to earn money 💰 for my needs.I also joined the North Carolina National Guard at the age of 16 to have additional help.
These years I really needed my father.I met a young lady in my senior year of high school and we were married 3 1/2 months before I graduated.As I tell every body it was not a (SHOT GUN WEDDING.
We have been married 61 years and had 2 children,6 grand children,and 1
Great grand son. I am now 79 and Nanny is 80 years old.A good life but we have been in the VALLEY AND HAD HILLS TO CLIMB.
LikeLike
Thank you! I didn’t heal from my father experience until many years after both my Mom and Dad died, but it is all healed now and I can even say I told him happy Father’s Day this year for the first time and felt love in return. Thank you for sharing what you have learned with all who are connected to you. You are a wonderful blessing to me and I am so very happy that your relationship got healed while he was alive. I could feel the love pouring out in your story. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹
LikeLike
I believe God exists in all of us. We have to be open to hearing Him. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
Love, the healing power of the ages.
LikeLike
What a beautiful story. And I needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing. I thought this was a picture you had taken of him. But you painted this! WOW!!!
LikeLike
A stunning portrait: I thought it was a photograph!
Thank you for your story, perhaps your next book should include this…
xo
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing! And may God always
bless you! ❤️
LikeLike
May you continue to find peace and may you always be a ight to others! ❤
LikeLike
Your passion fills so many hearts. Mine is guided daily by your love and wisdom. Your story is fulfilling and defines the you we have come to know. My heart encompasses you w love and adoration. Xoxo
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing this post. You are truly an inspiration. Your spiritual journey is life changing. Much love.
LikeLike
Dearest Jane, I too thank you for letting us know your very personal story. Learning about your spiritual path is teaching us all where to look and work on us. Everything one ever needs to know about spirituality is in this amazing story of your life so far. Be blessed, darling Jane and thank you again. Much love and light and smiles across the miles!
LikeLike
I too, have tears streaming down my face. Thank you for sharing your story. I really enjoy your delightful paintings of you and your pup. The quotes you give brighten my days. May God always guide us all in love, light and forgiveness. Arkansas Hugs!!
LikeLike
Thank you Princess for sharing your story. I have tears of understanding and compassion. I have a similar story with my father and his passing. I remember and appreciate all the ways he showed his love. All of the harshness has passed. The anniversary of his passing was just a couple of days ago and I’ve been thinking of him.
I knew from the first time I saw your pictures I felt a kindred spirit.
I may not always comment on your posts but they are always just amazingly timely. ✨
LikeLike
Hearing is the last sense that one has when in a coma. Your instincts were correct the communicate to your Father. You have found peace and found it only strengthened through this writing. You truly have so many gifts that you share with everyone. Thank you for sharing a difficult but then beautiful part of you life . You were able to forgive your Father . You are very special.
LikeLike
What doesn’t break us, makes us! Thank you for sharing your experiences here and your spiritual growth thru your trials in life. I wouldn’t wish mine on you and you wouldn’t wish yours on me but some how we manage through the grace of God, His love for us is infinite.
LikeLike
WOW!! Thank you for that. I think I need another box of Kleenex now. I feel as though my childhood was a mirror image. Thank again princess
LikeLike
Your authenticity and vulnerability are breathtaking. I wish I had a few hours and 2 cups of coffee with you…talking…
LikeLike
🕯
LikeLike
Being the oldest of 4 kids I was always the scapegoat. We has a love hate relationship during my growing up years. Toward the end of his life we found the loving relationship that we both needed. I’m thankful that we had a loving closure. Thank you for sharing your journey.❤️
LikeLike
Thank you, I also felt your pain for different things in my life. I am so happy that you found your awakening, and that you are now a wonderful artist and writer.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with all of us! Prayers for you sweet lady! May your memories of the love you found for your Dad be a comfort to you always!
LikeLike
Amazing, many many people go thru life living with an alcoholic, and the true story is never told. The ugly part of life is usually pushed under the rug. Thank you so very much for your story, certainly God has and is working in you.🙏🙏✝️✝️❤️❤️
LikeLike
Wow, I couldn’t quit reading…..what a testimony! And your painting of him! I thought it was a picture, so much talent and from what you have overcome! May God continue to pour it His Blessings!
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing this! Tears are streaming down my cheeks….what a beautiful writing! I only wish we could all reach the place where you are. Thank you!
LikeLike
So beautiful. It was your dad sending you the talent you have now❤️My dad lived with my family he was a hard working man also alcoholic he died in my moms arms in bed I’ll never forget that day. I took care of my mom next 26 years of her life. As promised I made to him❤️
LikeLike
Beautiful ❤ Thank you for sharing this ❤
LikeLike
Your portrait captures all you have shared with us. Thank you for being so open.
LikeLike
Breathtakingly profound and beautiful. I had a similar yet very different epiphany about my father and I have to tell you that I had to stop reading halfway through to catch my breath. I am not sure what kind of anti spiritual criticism you are facing, but if their hearts are not touched after you shared your beautiful life journey with them, I would beg you to remove them from your life, blog and fb Page. Love.
LikeLike
Wow!!! Beautiful.
LikeLike
Wow!! Thank you for sharing. You have validated so much within me — Peace and Love to you.
LikeLike
Love ❤️ ❤️
LikeLike
Beautifully written! I could feel all of the emotions and love you put into writing this. Thank you for sharing this! ❤
LikeLike
Thank you for this. I had similar story with my mom. I had the pleasure to spend nearly everyday with her for 5 mos. while she was hospitalized. This was a time of renewed love , forgiveness and understanding of her harsh treatment towards me.
LikeLike
Absolutely beautiful. If only everyone could experience such a wonderful spiritual awakening. I look forward to the day, at 70 something, will it ever happen?
You are truly blessed.
Thank you for sharing your blessings.
LikeLike
You are not alone. Others have been there with you – on their own journey. Appreciate you sharing ….. some of us will never go back … and that is ok too.
LikeLike
Thank you for opening your soul and sharing with us. Hugs 🙂
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. It reminds me a lot my dad. For years I feared him, and now I can forgive him and love him. He remembers me sometimes and other times he doesn’t know me. I will treasure the time he had left.
Your painting of your dad is really good. I love your inspiring messages and pictures. Thank you.
LikeLike
Tears are streaming down my face. I too had an alcoholic
Father. I feel your pain and your JOY!! I’ve akways loved your posts bout now I’ll treasure them
Thanks for your sharing
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing!
LikeLike
So glad you found peace with in yourself
LikeLike
wow! that was deep. So beautifully written. You took me there with you. So glad you found and was able to love and continue to have a relationship with your dad. Thank you for sharing.
LikeLike
Your gifts are truly amazing. Thank you for sharing the LOVE you have for your dad.
LikeLike
❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person